Awareness & Freedom – Pinning the Tail on the Responsible Party
Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
This is great counsel for those who are dealing with past traumas. However, to “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from us”, we must step into the awareness and freedom that pinning the tail on the responsible party provides.
Unfortunately, in today’s world, responsibility is either avoided through blame or absorbed through shame. Both choices are faulty and lead to emotional and mental bondage. Blame prevents us from seeing our mistakes and learning from them. Shame takes the burden of our mistakes or the mistakes of others and anchors our hearts to those mistakes through guilt. In either scenario, we fail to learn the essential lessons of life that these areas of past trauma could yield.
A Divine Revelation
This is often seen in children who come from abusive or dysfunctional family environments. When bad things happen to us as children, we take on all the responsibility for it happening. After all, parents don’t make mistakes, right? This buries our hearts under a weight of false guilt and shame. As adults, to avoid adding more weight to a heart already burdened by guilt and shame, we gravitate toward others we can blame when things go wrong.
For example, those who have come out of alcoholic or abusive homes tend to marry alcoholic or abusive spouses. Sadly, they marry someone who mirrors this trauma. Then they play the villain/victim roles, which provide them with ample justification for their heartache and misery, thereby thwarting any personal responsibility for their part in the dysfunction.
Then there are those entrenched in shame who marry an alcoholic or abusive spouse to reaffirm an internal script that they somehow deserve this life of pain and heartache. This is a surefire way to bring past pain and injury into the present.
Please hear me out on this. I am not trying to minimize the actions of an alcoholic or abusive spouse. However, as an adult, the role of the victim is a choice. We don’t just fall into dysfunctional relationships; we choose them! You might be asking, “Why would someone do that?”
One reason is that it serves as an attempt to resolve the shame and guilt of the dysfunctional relationships we’ve experienced as children. We believe that maybe this time it will be different, and we’ll be good enough, so they won’t want to drink, hit, abandon, or neglect us. Or it feeds the lie that says, “I’m getting what I deserve when they drink, hit, abandon, or neglect me.”
So, having someone to blame silences those condemning voices of guilt by redirecting fault toward others. Shame creates a victim mentality that embraces blame from others for their abusive behavior toward us. How do we stop this vicious cycle of dysfunction and victimhood?
A Divine Challenge
A word of caution here! Pinning the tail on the responsible party regarding those bad things that happened to us in our childhood will resurrect those strong emotions (bitterness, wrath, anger, etc.) described in the verse above. However, abuse, neglect, divorce, addiction, etc., is NEVER, and I mean, NEVER, the fault of a child. It didn’t happen to us because we were bad, stupid, ugly, or unlovable. It didn’t happen to us because of our gender, size, or skin color. It didn’t happen because we did something so wrong that we deserved what happened to us. It is NOT OUR FAULT!
However, when our parents, peers, or those in authority hurt, abuse, or neglect us, it’s not because they are bad either, but because they are imperfect humans. Sadly, many of them have faced similar traumas themselves. This DOES NOT excuse their behavior; it only serves to provide context for their behavior! However, we need to acknowledge that they are the ones responsible for their actions toward us. As children, this is highly unlikely. But as adults, this is critical.
We also need to separate their actions from our identity by shedding the label of victim. Then we need to work through whatever emotions we have toward those who have hurt us and grieve the hurt and pain associated with those offenses. This is where we “put away” or deal with our emotions so they have no hold on us. Finally, we need to come to a place where we can forgive those who have hurt, abused, or neglected us. This part of the verse, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you,” is often the most difficult for us to do. Yet when we become tenderhearted toward those who have caused us great pain, it opens us up to loving ourselves and allowing God to heal the heartache and pain inflicted on us. Only then will we be free to forgive those who have hurt us.
Call to Action
The point of pinning the tail on the responsible party is to help us recognize where the actions of others begin and end so we can take ownership of our actions. This frees us to learn from our past trauma/mistakes, so we don’t perpetuate our past into our present and future. It also allows us to hold others accountable for their actions, but not by condemning them with a blaming finger, but through gentle, loving confrontation. This can also bring reconciliation and healing to our relationships. There are only winners in pinning the tail on the responsible party because in this game, there are no victims or villains. Instead, each one is encouraged to look at their actions, own their mistakes, and forgive themselves and one another, “even as God in Christ forgave you.” There’s no better reward than this!
Father, help us learn what to take responsibility for and defer to others what they are responsible for. Then help us to forgive those who have sinned against us, just as You have forgiven us. In the name of Jesus Christ, we pray, Amen!