The Prude and the Porn Star – Part Three
Some new revelations make it necessary to approach this subject once again. Unfortunately for me, those revelations came through a time of suffering. When I last wrote about this issue, God was showing me that first off, I couldn’t do what He had asked me to do on my own. This is what I have come to understand as the difference between a holy desire which flows out of my relationship with the Father versus a holy obligation that is a religious, legalistic counterfeit. Secondly, God was also showing me that meeting my husband’s sexual needs was an open door to meeting my own needs. Connecting with him sexually was loving myself and understanding that, made it easier for me to push past my rebellious flesh and become more sexually available to him. Things were better for a while until either my pursuits were either ill-timed or he was so stressed out from work issues that the door that had once been wide open seemed to be slowly closing. This meant a possibility for rejection that didn’t seem like a good way to love me. So, the prude wanted to shut down and not even try. For the porn star, it became personal, and her anger sought revenge. The battle was on once again!
Sometimes God’s wisdom has to be delivered to me in segments because I’m stubborn, and also, I’m a little ADD. Therefore, my resistance to change and my inability to focus make God’s counsel difficult for me to receive in large dosages. This time God used the book I was reading entitled “Soul Talk” by Larry Crabb to jolt me into a new way of seeing my situation. This book spoke to the priority of first things (God) and second things (love, acceptance, success, a good marriage, good relationships, great kids, etc.) and how many of us put second things first and God second. Even recovery has become an avenue for the good life and we pursue it more than we pursue dependency on God. If we pursue God at all, it is for His blessings or benefits so even our pursuit of Him is self-centered.
What does this have to do with the prude and the porn star? Well, the prude’s desire for love, acceptance, and safety and the porn star’s need for validation through sex became a bigger priority than God and my obedience to Him. Fear of rejection became the new weapon of the enemy to get me to forfeit my dependency on God and take control of things myself. Miserable, stuck, and wanting to give up, I cried out to God again and this is what He said. “Sherrie, what do you want MORE than you want Me?” It took me over a week of soul searching to answer that question. I came to realize that I wanted to be loved and accepted by others more than I wanted God. This realization broke my heart!
Wanting God more than anything else is the key to loving yourself, loving others, and being in ministry. When God is your “first thing” priority all else is just an added benefit. Matthew 6:33 “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.” God promises us abundant life! However, He didn’t promise us the good life, a life that is easy and free of heartache. That sounds like a contradiction but it’s not. The bible is filled with people who sacrificed the good life for the abundant life, and it is no different for those of us who are followers of Christ today.
So how does this story end for me? Well, wanting God as my first priority has helped me abandon myself to be one desperately dependent on Him so I can be absolute obedience to Him. To be willing to drink from whatever cup He puts in front of me with a holy desire to be His hands and feet to those around me. Intimacy with my husband is now a spiritual act of worship that I choose to offer up to God no matter what my husband does or does not do with it. If he rejects it, he’s not rejecting me. If he receives it, it becomes another opportunity for God to minister to him through me. When I do this, the needs of the prude and the porn star are completely satisfied by the love of the Father alone and independent of the love of others. I guess these two will always be a necessary part of my life. However, as I continue to take their needs to God, I know that they will never have to feel neglected again and I will have the love and acceptance I’ve always wanted.