The Prude and the Porn Star – Part Two
It’s been a year and a half since I wrote the first part of this article. A dream had sent me into a tailspin that led me to a divine encounter with God regarding the sexual needs of my husband. I left the encounter desiring to be obedient to the counsel of Scripture. However, I honestly can say that in this year and a half, I’ve failed miserably in my attempt to be obedient to what the Lord showed me. Call me a rebel, call me stubborn but I just wasn’t falling in line with what God wanted me to do. Why was this counsel of God sooo difficult to obey? Was the prude still in control?
Well, after a lot of soul searching, God revealed to me that even though I had heard His counsel. Unfortunately, I had taken it upon myself to do it myself instead of allowing Him the privilege of doing it through me. Are you confused yet? I was! The Lord allowed me to fall flat on my face in my attempts to be obedient in my own strength. He did this so I could realize that “apart from Him I can do nothing.” That old legalistic verbiage, “fake it to you make, do it anyway” kind of stuff was exactly the trap I fell into. Yet God was so patient with me and recently during a conversation with someone at work, God broke through the legalism and penetrated my heart with what He had been trying to say to me all along.
I understood that God had created my husband with strong physical needs as well as creating me with strong emotional needs. Unfortunately, we had become like two ships passing in the night and neither one of us was willing to meet each other’s needs. I longed for more of the non-sexual touch, conversation, and beyond the bedroom intimacy. He longed for more sexual intimacy. He was afraid to ask for what he wanted for fear of rejection and I pretty much gave up on getting what I wanted. I figured after 22 years of marriage, if it hadn’t happened by now it wasn’t going to happen at all. Then God used a conversation at work with another married person to work His “aha-moment” magic. They were experiencing the same heartbreaking scenario regarding their marriage as I had in mine, and as I listened, feelings of sadness and hopelessness flooded my heart. Remember, I didn’t want to play the game of tit-for-tat and wind up miserable like the rest. Yet here I was in that all too familiar place once again. I cried out to the Lord, “Why is it so hard to risk and reach out and meet my husband’s needs without any thought to my own needs being met?” His still small voice spoke into my pain with these words, “I never asked you to do that.” Then He helped me understand something I had missed a year and a half ago. My husband’s needs were the open door God had provided to meet my needs. I longed to connect with my husband yet I refused to walk through the only open door available for me to do that. What an eye-opening moment for me! Wow, I could get my needs met by meeting my husband’s needs! What a concept. It was worth a try. Well, it’s been several weeks, and believe it or not, ladies, I’m getting better at meeting my own needs by meeting the needs of my husband. And he has actually been more attentive outside the bedroom toward me. God redefining things for me has empowered me to do what only He can do through me. Remember, this is the way God loves us, “We love because He first loved us.” His desire to have a loving relationship with us motivates His pursuit of us and He definitely doesn’t wait around for us to love Him first. He loved us while we were His enemy and in so doing wooed us to love Him in return.
A word to the wise: Marriages are in real trouble today! The divorce rate even amongst Christians is on the rise all because we’re waiting for the other person to meet our needs before we meet theirs. Would someone who is starving refuse food? Yet we, as women, refuse to walk through the door of provision, God has instinctively provided via the strong physical needs of our husbands. Women, if sex is the only open door to connect with your husband, then walk through it as often as you need to. And trust me, it may surprise you just how often you walk through it. If all he does is connect with you on that level, God can and will make up for where he is lacking in the emotional realm. However, you may find your husband more attentive to your emotional needs now that his physical needs are being met. Filling someone else’s glass first makes them more willing to give you a sip from their glass when you’re thirsty. If their glass is empty they have nothing to give. In loving my husband, I am loving myself. In meeting his needs I am meeting my own. And I can truly say that maybe for the first time in my life the role of the prude and the porn star is no longer needed. Hallelujah!